It’s been almost 45 minutes now. Me sitting in front of this computer. Just staring. Thoughts swirling. It’s not that I don’t know what to write about. I do. It’s just that I wonder if it’s all worth it. Sometimes, somethings are better left unsaid. But the thing is when I am tounge-tied, writing is my platform. It’s a form of spiritual healing that I cannot easily explain.
I’m sitting here thinking, I wish I’d gotten some decent sleep last night. But sleep eludes me these days, I chase and like a cloud it just disappears. It’s not that I can even afford to sleep. I have so many assignments and tests and tasks I’m up to my eyeballs with work, stress and worry. My son’s ill health did not help matters much. I spent half the entire night making sure that he is cool as he just gets so overheated. It’s so hectic that I can not even take time off to go nurture him back to health coz of my deadlines. My gran promised to look after him. I hope he is well.
On the other hand. I’m having relationship problems. I’m not sure whether it’s me who takes things so flippently or other people are just overly sensitive. I’m not sure. I grew up in the ghetto. Life was always tough. It still is. This and other things have made me the strong person that I am. I mind very little in life that seems insignificant. Maybe that is the problem. My insignificant is not necessarily other people’s. Maybe I just need to learn a few lessons about empathy and sensitivity. It’s just that I don’t like to see people hurt and when the same people continously complain about me hurting them I start to wonder. I go into a deep introspection. I wonder if I continue hurting them as badly as they say I do, is it worth me being in their life? Don’t get me wrong, cutting lose is not my style coz I consider myself to be the kind of person who never backs down. But the thing is it hurts me so badly to know that I make them feel so badly…what am I to do.
In my mind, the simpe logical thing to do is apologise. I will do that. I am doing that. Then I think, I have always been doing that. I sink into depression. Then I think we don’t deserve each other because, I am so brutal and careless and they are so fragile and sensitive. We’re bound to alway hurt each other , right? I don’t know. Maybe. It’s just that I’m also looking for answers. I know though, when we do get along, it’s magic. I love the sound of laughter and we laugh at the same jokes. So what am I to do? I need answers. Maybe I should change the way I am. But then I wouldn’t like that. I hear you saying : Catch 22. and you’re probably right. Life.
At the moment, I’m sitting here, listening to my Mp3, praying to God that I’ll ace this Communications test. It’s laughable coz my aunt always tells me I’m the worst communicator. I think I’m finally ready to concede defeat and acknowledge that she is right. Or , could just prove her wrong. I’ll ace the test. The other test though…I’m not sure. Depends on what the other party says. I hope my boy breaks the flu and heals. I’m hoping for so many things this morning huh? All depressing. Yuck! Happiness is a state of mind and right now I choose it. Regardless.