A note I can’t publish

I  wrote this ‘note’  on the 16th of April 2012 at 23:30 …thirty minutes before my birthday

Just ‘stumbled’ upon it now and thought I’d share


My mother died on the 8th of February 2002.

My great grand mother was born on the 28th of April 1916.

I was 17 on the 17th of April 2002.

Tomorrow, I’m twenty seven.

A friend of mine asked me : what is it that I have that is tangible?

Actually the answer is nothing.

Tomorrow my inbox will be flooded with messeges of well wishes;

thanks in advance for that.


I’m sitting in an empty dark room with God;

hoping wishing and praying that He will spark the zol in His hand any moment now.

My grandmother cursed me this morning saying I am the Devil’s child.

No, infact she said I am the Devil-uSathana. I laugh.

She doesn’t understand me.

She never has.

Chances are she never will.

That is why I call myself Miss Understood whenever I perform.

I am God’s child.


Back to tangible things; they are of little importance to me.

Insignificant. Irrelevant. Materialistic. I don’t want them.

I had them once and they turned me into a monster therefore I don’t want them anymore.

So what do I want?


I want a happy place. A place to call my own.

I want to raise a happy child into a strong man.

I want to find a man who will not only love and appreciate me but understand me.

I want him to find beauty and perfection in the not so beautiful and the ugly side of me.

I want to love unconditionally, limitlessly and boundlessly.

I want to see my brother everyday when I want to.

I want to know my ancestors better than I do.

I want to inspire somebody.

I want to inspire somebody to write…or to love…write something, anything.

 Love someone. Anyone.Not Everyone.

I want to find my purpose in life and live my dream.

I want real friends that don’t judge or wont be jealous of my successes.

I want a good pair of shoes and a working phone.

I want to live my life.

I want to live my life knowing I never hurt anybody.

I want harmony and peace. I want.


I want to find that magic, that lives inside of me.

I want to shine that bright light that I hide so much.

I want to break free from the shackles that bind me.

I want to find my own God and make peace with Him.

I want to love him unconditionally.

I want to forget about past wrongs.

I want the future.

I want to smile each time I think of my parents.

I want to forgive them for they didn’t know any better.

But most of all- I want to find myself. Forgive myself and love myself.

I want to be grateful for what I have. And pray for what I want…


So that is my wish Ladies and Gentlemen…for when I blow out the 27 candles.

That’s if I’ll even have the cake to begin with because these days a person lives on a wing and a prayer.

That’s all I need.


Now will someone please spark that joint?! My nigga God be takin long over here.

Nigga’s on some other tip ya’ll kr kr kr 🙂



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