How do you know me so well?!
Just yesterday my man and I were having this conversation. OMG….
I have fears about uncertainties and I don’t know how to break these borders. My previous relationships and life disappointments have led me to create an ubreakable shell that I enclose myself in which he constantly has to try break. Sometimes with disheartnement. I have no idea what to do with myself at this point.
Even though he has shown me nothing but love , support, companionship beyond any measure I still struggle to trust him even though he has done nothing to make me this way.
I hide who I trully am behind this porcelain mask which I got from Life breaking me at the most sensitive of times. I beleive I am a wonderful person and am in touch with my Creator yet I cannot understand why I am this way.
Perhaps it is because the last time I decided to love unconditionally I got badly hurt. Somehow I thought I was over this and besides that when I do let my inner child out people always look at me in astonishment which makes my black skin turn red and I return to my shell.
When I think no one is noticing I let be and when I see them looking I clam up : For instance not alot of people know I have a beautiful voice and so creative and spiritual , those are things I keep mainly to myself unless I feel the trust is solid enough to show myself.
I always have a fear of being judged therefore I fear never living my true potential. Imagine if I die having never achieved any of my aspirations? I long to sing to the masses, I long to recite my poetry to a whole new audience, I long to publish my book, I look to write it factually and truthfully. I long to be the world’s best biographer. I long , I long , I long.
I pray daily, in fact almost every second of each day. And I will gladly tell you that the reason I am being so open with you is that chances are you will never see my face.
I lurk in shadows and live in closed doors. I go to work and come back home. I hardly talk to people for I fear what they may think or say back to me. I worry about what to say. My man says this is a sign of being a waste of beautiful skin for he beleives that life is for living. I’ve been hurt to many times and I told myself I would never go back there again. I swore to always look out for the signs. And now every little thing is a sign. I live in my dreams – I am visual like that.
He is adventorous. Though he has been hurt as much as I have or more he still has the courage to go out there and still be.
Perhaps he is braver and I weaker. I don’t know. All I know is I wanna break free from this cage yet I have no idea how. More so I am ever so afraid of the consequence of that action.
Perhaps the answer lies in me being afraid of the consequence of the action of closing myself in due to fear of uncertainty….