I do silly things…like fall in love and get hurt. In the process I pick up trashed pieces of my broken heart. I am a lover and cannot control myself. So for the next time I promise not to do this to myself, until it happens again.
It used to be that it would not happen coz my heart was hidden beyond iron ore walls mixed with titanium and rock. The key thrown into the deep sea. Those were the days of strength where I would not even see the colour of my tears. For a long while I forgot what it feels like to cry, how I look like. Iron ore buildings.
At some point it got tiring to be numb and uncaring. It felt good to love beyond limits but it sure does suck to feel the way I do now. I’m told I’ll get over it, everything passes in time. I’d like to know though , how to get over this completely new experience.
See unlike the last time …it was worse. With details I can’t really get into right now. My head is so messed up. How does something so pure, good, honest and true turn into something so vile , ugly , unkind and dishonest? At which point does love turn to hate? At which point to we exchange the truth for lies?
There was a point where the colour of daisies was fascinating and the days of summer where longer than the ordinary 24 hours, holding hands with sweaty palms which neither minded. Endless conversations. I wonder if there was any truth to that. I’m just trying to figure out which was truth and which was lies? Maybe none of it was true.
I don’t know. I remember how we used to be hurt because we couldn’t spend so much time together and we’d do everything thing we could to reverse that. Remember that corner by that news place and it would be night and we’d say a thousand goodbyes before we would say the last one? And we’d hold hands the whole way and you’d tell me how late it is? And how I just wouldn’t care if only to spend another moment….
Remember that time we spent apart? You said it was the longest two months of your life and how your life had been turned up-side down because of it…remember? Remember how I’d be your strength and you’d be mine when we were down?
Remember having munchies after a solid blunt…the round button nose which would always make you laugh? The pact…to never leave the house no matter what had happened…the pact which got abused.
How does one suffer in the hands of a lover? I needed you to see beyond the inconsitancies. Someday it was bound to be brighter. Faith.
Materialism has nothing to do with anything I am. You should’ve known this. I told you. I was sincere. I admit I made my mistakes, I had my faults but at which point do all those equate to violence?
To God I need to know the sin for my toil…is there any form of repaying my debt? At which point does one attain true happiness? Maybe one day I will see the sun again…laugh and be merry…
It’s just that I have so many unanswered questions. Like how it is that now we can’t have a conversation for longer than two seconds without arguing? Why it is that everything you say makes my stomach turn? Why my heart still jumps at the mention of your name? Why I long to see you well again as I knew you before? Why am I hoping that you use this time to work on yourself as I’m doing to me? Why do I long for healing? Why my mind and my heart speak two different things? Why do I curse and pray at the same time? Why I laugh and cry at the same time? Why I feel so sick inside?
But moreover I just wanna know when this ends, how it ends. How do I get there? When do I get there? 20days? 3months? A year maybe? Will you come back again? Will you heal yourself and realise you made a mistake all along? Will you fight for me when the time comes? Or have you already given up…on yourself mainly.
At first I didn’t know but you’ve allowed me to see as side so dark and so gruesome to you that I never even knew existed. How do I get over this? How do you live with such pain, grief and anamosity? I wiped you tears when you cried…yet the emotional scars have proved too deep. We both have our own yet I thought our differences would make us all the more stronger.
Now I have to smile…I’m tired of everyone feeling sorry for me. I must smile. I can’t. Every day that passes I feel more and more like a ghost. A shaddow of myself.
People leave, that I know, birth and death. This we must accept. Riddle me this though…how do I accept love turning to hate and the justification thereof…?