One of those man jokes

I’m going through my mailbox and cleaning up old stuff …some stuff I’d forgotten just crops up …this is one of them 🙂 .

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
>
>
>
> Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
> lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
>
>
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
> little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
>
>
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
> loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
> I
> was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc
> of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
>
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
> the
> face of her microwave.
>
>
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
> sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
> soul)
> while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
> try
> this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
> about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of
> it.
> She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
> to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
> would
> work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
>
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
> tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
> and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
> would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water.
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
>
>
> All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
> two
> itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
> What
> happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.. .?
>
>
>
> I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side
> as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from
> such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give
> myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
> naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
>
>
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
>
>
>
> I’m pretty sure Mike Tyson ran in through the side door, picked me up in
> the
> recliner, body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
> again.
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
> my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
> tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
> in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
> living room.
>
>
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note
> of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
> yourself!
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
> a
> violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
> considered conservative?
>
>
> IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
>
>
> A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that
> point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
> the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
> fireplace.
> The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
> originally
> was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
> face
> felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
> lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
>
>
>
> Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
> sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
> believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering
> a
> significant reward for their safe return!
>
>
>
>   P.s… My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
> and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

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