I think I’m angry , sad, sick, frustrated or all four at the same time. I can’t decide which one comes first right now. Maybe they all do. Even my stomach isn’t agreeing with me today, from last night actually. I think I slept with a headache- I might be tense, I can’t be sure. There’s a possibility that I might scream or burst – whichever seems plausible or doable right now.  I might be silent and not say nothing. I might think.

I think most of it may be stemmed from the anxiety to be out of this place even temporarily, home time again. Time to be with family , nothing like it, even the crisp oven delight does not compare. It might also be due to the hustle and bustle of looking for an affordable place to stay that isn’t too far off from work. Work, it’s all I live for these days – who the phuck am I ? And where the phuck is the real me? Gosh I think I’m growing old…

Another headache is getting the things I need to do done, right now I wish I could fly to the end of the rainbow where the pot of gold lies, I only need one gold coin I’m sure – I sucked at economics, sorry.  Then the rest would be history.

A friend asked why I don’t get a male counterpart to take care of all my financial worries. Well the thing about that is the consequence of living with your conscience. Besides, I’m too old and apart from that – there’s this thing that satisfies me from ‘doing it on my own’. It’s hard and it hurts sometimes but I love the thought of being able to achieve all on my  own.

I’ve done the whole being a lap dog in luxury cars thing to death excuse the pun and I got over it. Now I’m on a journey to being the dog with the car- luxury or not.

And I think I’m just sad becuase of the more I want change the more it seems elusive. I’m also angry and sad at men who keep knocking at my door with the promise to love me better than my last jilted lover only to find they are jilted themselves. Like what is this?!

Nigga, you know you got a wife / girlfriend , stay away. I’m not tryna be no home wrecker – you digg?!

Now having got the bitch ass tendencies out of the way … is it too much to ask for an intelligent man? I mean he don’t have to look at all like Will Smith, Boris Kojoe, Maxwell, Mos Def or Tyler Perry. Just be intouch with himself and his Creator? Is it to much to ask for someone who is able think – let alone the box – how about outside of himself? Self respecting?

I don’t think I’m asking for alot at all. Anyway.

Well anyway , right now … I plan to listen to some music and engage in thought and see what the rest of the day has to offer me.

Hopefully this is growth. A pattern weaving itself to Righteousness.

To all that is Love and Light.




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